Don Bosco used to say, “here we make holiness consist in being cheerful.” At first sight this seems like a throwaway line, but Don Bosco was convinced it was literally true. He saw moaning, gossip and constant dissatisfaction as signs that someone (adults or young people) had lost touch with an inner spirit and the energy to cope with life. Recognising when we get overly pessimistic and miserable is therefore a warning that we need to re-balance ourselves to work with young people, perhaps by reflecting on the Salesian compass at the end of this blog.
Recognising the tendency to misery, to complaining and to fault finding by young people can help the adult remain objective in dealing with the deep sadness that many young people feel from time to time. One Vatican document challenges us as educators to help future generations find new reasons for living and hoping. As an adult I need to avoid being manipulated by the dissatisfaction of young people and challenge them to dig deeper into their own spirit for dreams and motives that will deepen their understanding of life. As an adult I need to be reasonable, respectful, warm-hearted and cheerful in working with the young. In other words, I need to be a saint that models control over moods and sadness.
We can use the RUAH model in Salesian spirituality to help navigate through the moods that come on all of us, but especially in the time of adolescence. Reflect on those compass points to manage your own way through your own adolescent moods.
Finding the way out of misery using the RUAH compass
Respect
When dealing with pessimism and misery in others, parents and educators need to respect the challenge the other is facing in order to be more positive. They should also remember their own experience of being overcome by misery and how difficult it can be to step out of it. The controls for overcoming sadness are all inside the young person, they need to gain control and not just be told to ‘snap out of it.’
Understanding
The parent and teacher should be aware that pessimism is a mood choice. Even when the young person can feel helpless in sadness, they still have some control over their mood. Helping them to shift their focus, to count their blessings and to embrace hope for the future. Remind them that such moods need not last forever and not give way to self hatred or anger at others. Congratulate them when their mood seems to lift and ask how they managed to do so. Reflecting with a young person after their mood has lifted, when they are more themselves, will help them to recognise and manage their moods better in the future.
Affection
Warmth and understanding can help a youngster share some of their sadness with parents or teachers. Simply naming their sadness can help to put it into a healthier perspective and deal with it more objectively. Affection also means avoiding an unhealthy dependency. Instead try to build emotional resilience through encouragement and belief in the young person’s ability to get more mood awareness and control. Young people need to know that they are loved even when they are miserable.
Humour
Vey often miserable people are stuck in the past. They recycle sad experiences for hours and slip down the rabbit hole of self-pity. Humour, jokes, distractions towards the positive can help to bring them out of the past and into the present moment. It is the present moment, in the flow of life, that they will find the energy to rise above their sadness. The present moment is also the place where we all meet God. That would mean getting into action, doing things, relating, staying physically active and having some good memories to revisit.
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